Traveling Brings out all your Neuroses
Going nomad, and traveling in general, tends to expose our underbellies. It will test any relationship, and it is a useful gauge if you want to know that what you have is real. Although any travel will do this - because you are placed in a less controllable space - it is the movements beyond resorts and honeymoon chalets that really get the grit out.
The illusion of control is kept up fairly well when our environments remain consistent. You do that route to work, come home at this time, cook that meal, shop at this store. Life reaches into routine quickly. I am constantly amazed at how rapidly I build a familiar route or ritual of grocery shopping. Within a week I tend to already have some kind of habit within the environment I am located in. Routine is a good thing, it creates grooves, familiarity, stability. But when not in a routine you get a chance to evaluate your patterns with a different lens. You get to see which ones sustain even when conditions get testy, which ones are less than useful and those habits that are best not lost no matter where you are.
And the tests will come, especially when traveling roads less traveled. Planning goes astray, key lock codes don't work, rain pours down, you lose sleep, wifi connections can't be found, what was promised in the writeup turns into fallacy, gas outages happen, planned routes end up being too long or short, your lover gets knocked out with gasto, the sublet is so noisy you can't stand being there and so on. When the stress is on the best port of call is to drop the patterns that are not working and notice those that are. Essentially, you get leaner because the situation has become more uncertain. On your own this is a little easier, with someone this can get a bit more muddy.
A first rule for a relationship to sustain is you need to have each other's back. When the pressure is on rooting for each other becomes of essence. It gives emotional stability, the most enduring stability you can find, and once you have that you can handle most foundations crumbling. When the stress escalates eventually one or both of you is bound to become less nice, and when the dark side comes out the next rule is to forgive. This kind of forgiveness isn't blind faith, it is the compassionate understanding of the conditions in the situation and the humanness of the person by your side. Take a step back and give some space if needed. Then regroup. And along the way learn something new about the creature you love. If you can study the nature of your relationship and get curious about it, then these moments are goldmines of wisdom and growth.
When it comes to your own patterns notice what you let go of and what you miss - like a regular visit to the yoga mat, a dose of spirulina, connecting with friends, checking email first thing in the morning, having a bath to relax, shopping at a particular store. Noticing the routines that served me well let me bring those habits into my walk about, and do so with more awareness, like getting onto my yoga mat every morning, which sets me up for the day, and having a cup of strong tea after I wake without checking email, doing a writing sprint instead. Simultaneously drop the waste, shed the things you thought were essential and are not - both is your physical luggage and the psychological baggage you carry around. I usually let go of something every time I shift to a new space, which is often. A piece of clothing or food item that isn't getting eaten. And more essentially a thought pattern or way of saying things that is holding me back from blossoming.
When I was twenty three I went to India for four months to study yoga. The airline lost all our baggage, so I arrived in this new world with a green pair of pants, a black t-shirt, a black warm sweater, the shoes and socks on my feet, and a small purse with my passport, travelers checks and money. I didn't have a carry on, all I had was in my backpack which was gone now. My boyfriend at the time freaked, he had invested a lot into stuff like mosquito nets and malaria meds. I felt like I had been stripped down to a lightness of being, and it was amazing. I would wash my underware every night, my clothes when needed, and I pretty much existed like that for weeks before slowly getting some stuff. And the stuff gotten came in so quickly I was appalled at how rapidly I almost had a backpack of things again. What was beautiful about this experience is I went totally local, from toothpaste to bedspread to ingenious ways of avoiding mosquito bites. India brought me to my knees in so many ways and it illuminated exactly what I needed to let go of, including my boyfriend at the time and ideas of not going back to university - I returned to Cape Town in time to start my Honors.
I believe in embracing the strange complexities that might seem neurotic as beautiful. You don't need to be harsh to shed what isn't useful, ruthless sometimes yes, but culling yourself without a balanced respect for your quirky beauty usually leads to more rigidity. The point is not to kill the neurosis, but drop the label and make that energy more useful. As much as I relish the process of my neuroses coming up and out, even when it really feels painful, the most interesting process for me is how I can make that awareness something that changes me into more of who I want to be.
