On Being a Kangaroo Mama

Motherhood is a matter of style and choice. The choices come daily and the style is inbuilt. I think much of learning to mother is learning what your style is. And then making choices that fit with what feels right to you. That process is political. Not only an exploration of internal leanings, but seeing how power shapes you. The advice, expert opinions and constant barrage of parenting should's - it all creates a lot of noise that can be hard to silence. Finding my integrity in motherhood has been a challenging path for me, a road of many wrong turns, confused maps and it continues to test me each day.

I worked out I am a kangaroo mama without any signposts. When I had Ruya I had never changed a diaper before, let alone knew what co-sleeping was. I knew nothing about mothering or any of the kinds of mothering out there. I discovered its a political mind-field of many camps, each claiming expertise. I first read a book called the 'baby whisperer' just before Ruya was born. It works for some people. I had to throw it away, but that took time to get to. I tried to chart a schedule, spent three weeks in deep anxiety trying to clock every feed, sleep and wake time. I tried to make her sleep when drowsy, not rock, pick up and put down, suck a dummy, bounce on a ball and so on. I even let her cry for a week trying to put her to sleep without my breast. I discovered a lot of what I was doing made me sick inside. I realised I could not do what google and websites and books were telling me to do. That initial discovery took about three months. From there I slowly learned what worked for me. Everything I learned I stumbled into. I started doing it, then googled what I was doing and discovered there was a term for it, and people who believed a bit like I did.The following are some aspects of what makes me a kangaroo mama.

Co-sleeping

There are a couple of main topics mama’s hit within an hour of talking - and one of the top listed items is sleep. Babies sleep a lot. And somehow it does not seem enough or its disruptive. Left to their own devices they will just follow their own schedule. And like all of us its variable.

There are plenty of charts and ideas about how long and how and where a baby should sleep. I don’t care too much for such charts, but I do care about the quality of our sleep. The only time I find myself really angry in relation to being a mom is when I am exhausted. To function well we all have to sleep well. And that is the balance needing to be found: find a way to let baby sleep well AND mama sleep well.

Nomadic living adds an extra facet to the normal sleep process and problems. The beds change, the time zones change, the environment shifts and affects the everyday routine. The first big impact I experienced of being nomadic was how our lifestyle resulted in us co-sleeping. When Ruya was born the house we were in had one bed. We got a baby hammock for Ruya but she did not take to it. So she slept with me for the first three months. It seemed natural and right for that infant time and intensive breastfeeding. Then we shifted to Istanbul and had a crib over a five month period. She was still restless in the early evening but slept in her crib for the rest of the night. I would get up and breastfeed her three times a night. It meant sitting in a chair, getting cold, waking up fully and very little sleep. Post Istanbul we went to Greece for a month. The places we stayed in had no cribs so she got back into bed with me. And thus co-sleeping developed. When we got to America we shifted from place to place usually without a crib. At some point we tried a travel crib but she did not take to it. It was a great crib but compared to the bed far less comfortable and Ruya knew the difference. I also knew the difference. I wanted her next to me. Not only for the sweetness of baby nearby but also because I could feed her on my side, with little disruption and go to sleep quickly again. Realising I liked this way of sleeping took time, mostly because I felt shame about it - that I should not be doing this - and I had to negotiate it with my partner.

I love co-sleeping. It is intimate and intense and for such a brief time of our lives together. It also greatly aids breastfeeding and lets me get enough sleep. And another part of me dislikes co-sleeping. I lose sleep when she is restless and she rolls around a lot. Sometimes I just want my own space. And the main impact has been on my intimacy with my partner. I miss sleeping next to my man and waking by his side. I know in a year or two we will get that back. For now it forces us to get creative about our sex life and go beyond the bedroom. 

Soon Ruya will transition into her own bed, and then later Aziz. For now my babies sleep on each side of me. I can breastfeed Aziz on demand, and be there to rub Ruya's back when she wakes from a dream. And savor this brief time of dreamy closeness.

Baby-wearing
I am carrier obsessed. We eventually did get a light weight stroller but I hardly use it. Even when my back hurts I continue. People told me at every stage that I should get a stroller for Ruya. I never did. I carried her until I was six months pregnant and after that just used my hands. Now with Aziz, who is a much bigger child, I get to do it all over again.

Wearing my baby just seemed right to me. I never struggled much with accepting this about myself. I like my babies close to me, I get to kiss their heads often, I can breastfeed on the go, and I am much more agile. It is the most light weight mode of carrying my baby. It is the nomad way. With two babies it is essential for me. 

The term kangaroo care refers originally to preterm care of babies. The essence of the approach is skin to skin: holding the baby close, breastfeeding on demand. Just like a kangaroo you carry your babe in a pouch. I find my children are not only more portable but calmer, more secure, and especially in the early months, sleep better close by my heartbeat. The touch of closeness not only increases survival of new babies but allows growing babes to thrive.

I have tried most carriers and developed my favorites. The ergo and ring sling top my list. You always want to carry your baby front facing and both carriers do that. Using a carrier takes physical strength so back support is essential. The ergo does that best for long stretches. But the ring sling is easy to get on and off, plus you can breastfeed in it. Both carriers can last you for years, holding babies into toddlerhood. And both are easy to wash.

Extended and tandem breastfeeding

When I began breastfeeding I thought maybe I would do it for a year. Then I thought I would do it for two years. Now I trust my first child will wean in her own time, and hope my second will go for at least as long as she does. I did not plan to breastfeed long term, it happened to me. Ruya kept drinking and I kept providing. When my second baby was due I discovered the term tandem feeding because I was not going to stop offering Ruya her milk.
The biggest hurdle to me feeling the rightness of extended breastfeeding was external criticism. People have a lot of ideas about breastfeeding, especially how long you do it for. I also found. that this criticism was very context sensitive. In San Francisco and the Bay area I breastfeed my toddler without worry. In Istanbul I have to think about breastfeeding in public, not just how old my baby is. In Cape Town I breastfed my toddler once or twice in public but got some reactions. What I learned was to protect how I felt about it, be contextually sensitive and not push the limits too much in public, and become an activist.
When I say activist I mean someone who breastfeeds in public, though I am not one to over ride cultural respect. I have breastfed in taxi's in Istanbul and public squares in Marrakesh, with a scarf to cover me. I breastfeed with fierceness and will defend my right to feed my child. I breastfeed on the go, in a shopping mall, because my newborn cannot wait. I believe the biggest hurdle to breastfeeding is a lack of support. If a woman chooses a bottle that is respected and supported medically and socially. If a woman chooses the breast she has to navigate how and where, stares and critique, and a lot of ideas about schedules.
I breastfeed on demand which means I let my child have access as they need. My milk is my essence and love, and I give it unconditionally. That is what works for me and my children. It does mean less sleep, and sometimes discomfort for me, but the joy of it has always won out. Now tandem feeding has allowed my children to watch each other as the curl up on me, sharing and being close. It is much easier than I thought it would be and gets better and better.
This road of motherhood has been the deepest learning curve of my life. Finding the kangaroo in me has been a way for me to come home.