Meeting an Edge in being a Mother

There is no end to the learning I am experiencing in this first year of my first child. But as I simmer on those moments when it gets very tough for me, I have started to realise I am hitting a big edge. An edge marks the entry into something a little less familiar to your identity. Big edges = conflict. Because you are bound to cycle on those edges again and again. These are usually the edges that define your life story, the kind of repetitive experiences where you can say yes I have been here before in some way.

My approach to this is to not waste a good edge, and a good conflict. Since it is trying to wake me up to something new, I want that change to come easier and with less pain. Much of my life work is in seeking how to do this.

So back to me and my babe. She just hit the six month mark and I am starting to hit my limits. I am the kind of person who wants to give everything and I do. I gave all to my ex-husband - I always do that with lovers - until it drained me of all of my resources and life force. I give all to the projects I take on, even in those moments where I have had to do work I find exasperating. I diligently take care of housework - I did the laundry while I was in labor with Ruya. That is who I know myself to be. Naturally there is strength in this. And there is pain. The pain is I can end up giving too much to everyone and everything else, but not give to me. I will sacrifice my needs to push through and push myself into burn out. So what is less familiar is prioritising my needs as much as I prioritise my beloved's, and the tasks I consider important.

My child is showing me this yet again vividly. Of course I am transplanting this edge onto her. I want deeply to be a good mother. So what? All mother's do. But the way I think I need to do this is to construct my life around her. The problem is I end up feeling like my life is being run by her and that is not useful to her or me. I have become exhausted by trying to fit my needs into tiny increments of time, as well as every day tasks which could be done with her awake. In the desire to be a perfect mother I forget that this means life needs to work for her and for me. So the question is how do I create patterns and construct our days so that it is good for my child AND for me?

My answer lies over the edge. It is in what is less than familiar to me. As I live this question I start to experiment with doing things a little differently. I know the edgy thing to do is to do stuff for me and our household while she is awake. So I am faking it until I make it. Simple, small increments of experimentation. Like preparing some dinner stuff yesterday evening for half an hour while she rides on me. She wants to play of course - we spend a lot of time playing usually. But this time I just handed her Sophie who she really likes to gnaw on and went on with my business. She eventually chilled out and the salad got washed and dinner was prepped. I felt the difference after she went to sleep and went about putting that dinner together. Seems basic but just doing this let me feel something  new.

This morning as I went through my quick fix yoga practice in her first nap, I asked myself - what do you want to do today Sarah? That question never usually comes into the picture in our daily life, and if it does it gets sidelined until those needs speak very loudly - until they scream at me and I end up saying them with a heavy tone of voice, which my lover knows so well. Asking myself that question let me consider myself differently. Just asking that lets me test my edge a little more.

This is a process. As I write this now I am editing the process as I go. The answer is yet to develop. But I am dancing this edge. As I tip my toe onto the other side life is already getting better for me And my child.

My way of approaching this is what my book is about. I realise, if anything, at least the writing of this book has let me structure a way for how I deal with my changes and conflicts. Now the next edge is to publish that book which I am in the process of doing.