Discipline and Toddlerhood: Part 1

Being nomadic with a toddler puts a different lens on the whole experience of two years old. This perspective goes beyond the need for play space, playgrounds, diaper stations/toilet training and accommodation with two beds. It is about freedom. Freedom for Ruya to be and express her toddlerhood in many contexts. This includes screaming bouts in Berlin, manners on the playground, walking roads in Marrakesh and discipline in tight situations. Each place has different ideas about how to raise a child. And in each I have to adapt and hold my own way in how I care for my little one. Much of that involves the issue of discipline - or how each culture regulates behaviour.

Helping a child come to mixed feelings is growing up. To find that you need to support all the feelings. It is a yes to every feeling they experience and the awareness that there is more than one feeling happening at a time. That capacity - to feel divergent and mixed - is maturity. Discipline should take us there, into a field of more expansive awareness rather than less.

The problem with discipline is that it is usually seen as something that needs to be instilled. So the discipline is given with a heavy hand or in a way that disconnects you from the child. And naturally that creates opposition and shutting down. As much as we all have an instinct to attach and connect, we have an instinct to oppose being controlled. That opposition is a precious no of choice: no I will not allow you to determine me, my views, my desires or needs; no you cannot control and dictate to me. When opposition is met with more opposition we get a fight. And we get angry. Yet I see how within my daughter's no, no, no is a yes. Its her finding the yes that works for her. I have to respect that and let her oppose. As much as I have to oppose her at times too.

Toddlers express with bigness. And the natural frustration that comes when something is not working, is often met with a ‘be quiet’. I think that we get frightened when our children express openly and loudly. Maybe even envious. I often think it would be so nice to roll on the floor and weep and shout when I am having a shitty day. So sometimes I join Ruya and she likes that. I express with her. When I join her rather than go against her, she usually stops and looks with eyes wide. Sometimes she tries to soothe me a little or she giggles. Then we can talk about what we are feeling. When Ruya goes into a big emotional state I let her go through it. She can't hear anything I say anyway, she is absorbed in feeling. So I let her feel and then we eventually hug and talk about it. Discipline won’t work if you go against a person. It might shut them up but that is a surface reality. Underneath the anger will simmer and go sideways, until later on the relationship breaks down. Discipline will work if you go with what is happening and do it together. That does not mean Ruya just does as she pleases. I set boundaries, and some of them she does not like. But those boundaries are never set by breaking the connection. No time outs or separations. The point is not to teach her that if she is ‘naughty’ mamma will go away - I love you only when you are a certain way. The point is to facilitate her innate discipline and show her mama loves her in every state she experiences. And that mama is looking after her.

So when she gets frustrated I want to figure out what is not working and give her options. And I have to do that within a context. When we were in Berlin she had a two week period of screaming. She worked out she could scream and then tested that ability everywhere. At first it was interesting and then it got worrying. Berlin is a very organised place. All the babies seemed very well behaved to my foreign glance. If she has been screaming in Marrakesh I may not have flinched as much. But in the middle of a Berlin supermarket I got very strong stares. I researched and grappled. I tried ignoring her, screaming with her, reasoning with her, telling her my ears hurt and in some moments got angry. In the end she just stopped all by herself. We left Berlin and a few days later the screams ended. I knew it was a phase. In myself I felt okay about her going through it. But the external pressure to control her pressed in on me. The issue was more my self-consciousness and ego in getting judged as a parent, in what seemed like a critical environment to me. This taught me to go with the phase Ruya is in and be aware of how my own ego can get in the way of supporting her.

We went from Berlin to Morocco. We went from order to chaos. Now the issue was teaching her how to hold my hand on a street. The tiny roads were filled with motorbikes and carts and people. And Ruya did not want to hold my hand. She wanted to walk free. In Berlin she could walk on her own along the sidewalk. No need to worry about unusual traffic. In Morocco she got a quick lesson on the dangers of horse carts and motorbikes. It took one person stepping over her to alert her awareness. I ended up carrying her a lot, and just let her observe her surroundings. Eventually she got that roads were dangerous, but more so she got that mama was looking after her by putting boundaries on where she could walk. That was the crucial lesson. The issue went beyond road rules, it went to how mama takes care of Ruya and that being looked after by mama made Ruya feel good. Discipline should show the child that they are being loved.

Everywhere we go we encounter the issue of playground manners. Since playground spaces change a lot I don't enforce anything on other kids. But I taught Ruya early on to wait her turn. She waits her turn now without a fight. It was the rule from the start and her normal way because I would also wait my turn. Discipline is something modeled, my behaviour must reflect what I ask of Ruya. Other kids though often do not wait their turn. Mostly I just let her observe that, and when she waits a long time I get involved to secure her a place. As she grows older and we can talk more it gets easier, because we can chat about how people act in different ways in different spaces, and how it may or may not be okay for us. Waiting her turn is really a discipline of patience and that ethic is something I believe will help her in life. Discipline should be grounded in principles that reach into the roots of the family. It is a structure that can then support the child not cage.

Of course Ruya has her melt downs. She has her moments of screaming and crying. We fight. Currently this is about putting clothes on. Being naked is so much better in her opinion. But clothes just have to go on when we leave the house. Its hard to explain to her because it does not really make sense - the arbitrary rules of where we can be naked or not. Usually I just dress her when we get into the car or are about to exit it. When she erupts in public I just let her cry, I hold her and comfort, but I do not shut her down. If I need to I remove us from the situation. I want her to know that her feelings are okay. She will learn to manage them as she grows. For now she needs to discover what her feelings are in the first place. And I need to be aware that she can get overwhelmed with feeling. Discipline has to be flexible to accommodate age and context. There is a time for a late night and its normal for toddlers to throw food on the ground just to see where it lands.

Letting Ruya be a toddler is also about letting me be one. Because if I can't get in touch with how I want to get my hands into everything, test it all out, feel the strength of what I want, and how I want it now, then there is no way I can connect with my child. Finding my freedom has been more challenging than letting Ruya find hers. Perhaps that is what makes discipline so tricky and interesting - it is not only about following authority it is also about finding our authority within. I think when I do discipline well then I offer Ruya a way to follow herself with a respect for the people and place around her.