Toddler Discipline: Part 2
When my baby was younger and sleep was the hot topic, the strategies abounded, all saying something different and with gusto. Now my baby is two and a half and the hot topic is discipline. Just like with sleep I had to find and continue to find, the theory that works for us, through a lot of trial and error. Unlike sleep there is no schedule. Moods come and go on both sides erratically.
There are lots of strategies on the market. I worked out I like attachment parenting style mixed with a firm footing in recent neuropyshology. I am into learning what my toddler's brain is doing and facilitating her with my heart fully visible. I couldn't do a cry out. And I can't smack. But I am strict by nature. I like an aesthetic of order in the environment, table manners and actions that follow from kindness. As a recent Airbnb review of me stated,'I suspect there is a strength of steel in this gentle woman of quiet repose'. That steel makes me demanding of standards. Discipline is not about rules - there are no rules only consequences, as my man often says to me. It's an attitude. It's much more meta than actions. You can be very lazy in a disciplined way. In fact I am trying to get more disciplined about that. I am way to hard working on a daily level.
The style I like best is termed 'authoritative and warm,' by the book that made the biggest impression on me: 'Brain rules for baby' by John Medina. His writing is understandable, succinct, warm and pointed. What he says makes sense and has heart.
This is how my journey started. My toddler was having big feelings, thats what I first labeled them as with her. Otherwise known as tantrums, but I don't like that term because it imbues the event with negativity. She started having them more and more, some days just felt like war. I began losing it, finding myself depressed at the end of the day. Here I am a thirty five year old woman, helpless in front of this tiny, raging person. I felt like she was starting to rule my life and that did not go down well with me. We are animals and mama is alpha. Building frustration made me do what I do: research, read, observe myself and her. And I am still doing it. Some of what I am doing is working. And this is the hardest conflict resolution I have done in my life. It triggers me all the time, with my sleep deprivation, needing to take care of my newborn, and just plain exasperation. The good thing is my toddler is uncensored so I get to see the results of anything I do fast. Her feedback loop is still uncluttered.
These are my current mantra's:
What you give attention to you get more of.
And attention is what a child wants - as a way to connect. Negative attention is a form of connection too. If I shouted at Ruya and got really angry, she still got attention and did it again. I had to smile sometimes as I lectured her with a hard tone and creased brow. She would look at me and tell me stop doing that with all the conviction and strength she could muster. I have to say she lectures better than me. I still lecture sometimes to pretend I know it all, but it doesn't really work. Shouting at her makes her shout at me. So I am learning to focus on the behavior that I want to encourage, ignore the behavior I want to discourage. And more challenging, to recognize when she does stuff that warrants special attention. This includes hitting her brother or breaking precious stuff or hurting me. I am learning to sift through and work out what I want to attend to and grow, and also how to attend to stuff that needs to get seriously pruned. Still working out how to do the latter. But I do know my attention has power and I better place it wisely.
Don't sweat the minor stuff, say yes more.
Learn to prioritise what is really dangerous and destructive. If it is not doing harm, physically or emotionally then let it be. I have to pick my battles wisely, because there will be battles. Sometimes I ask Ruya to pick them for us. I ask her if she wants to fight about something, like getting dressed or wearing panties - which she loathes - and usually she says no mama. I hope eventually she learns to pick the battles she needs to fight with me wisely too. So far she's been very savvy and turns down a fight when it's low stakes.
A child needs to get curious and muddy, experiment and mess and do their work. Daily I watch myself say no, don't do that, stop. I could more than halve that reaction and just let it be. I got so tight and controlled as an adult. It's almost automatic this no thing. The discipline of saying yes more is good for both of us, and I am the one that has to learn to do it more than her. Right now she is so open to diving in.
And saying yes let's Ruya learn discipline in the most effective way possible - through her own mistakes. As much as I can I try to let her learn it for herself. Like going barefoot into the snow to see why shoes are a good idea. Or letting her play with glass and ceramics so she can find out for herself what fragile means.
Enforce boundaries firmly and with good reason.
Discipline has to be rapid, consistent and with enough harshness to send the message clearly. I do not advocate for any form of physical punishment. I went to battle with my partner on this issue and he came to my side. I am that one sided about the issue. So no smacking. But the discipline still needs to be strong otherwise it's going to get tested. One day Ruya hit Aziz Elan. I was alone at home. I immediately picked her up, took her to the back bedroom, put her down and closed the door. I left her alone for about thirty seconds and she cried hard. I opened the door, hugged her and stayed in the bedroom with her for a bit longer. Then we all sat together and once she calmed we spoke about what happened. I never do time outs. I don't believe in those either. They create a disconnection which teaches her that when you are bad I will go away. I don't really believe in bad and I prefer to be present. In this instance I needed a deterrent that would work and it does. Ruya wants to be close to me. I only do this occasionally when she is going through a big I want to hit phase. I mostly try other tactics. Like catching the signal earlier and talking about how we are playing together, if she wants to play with me she has to allow her brother to be part of it, otherwise she can play alone. Sometimes she chooses to play alone and mostly she adapts and lets him be semi involved. He just wants to grab and eat stuff right now, so at this point he is not a play mate for her.
Medina talks about giving an explanation for any form of discipline. I think this is the most powerful deterrent because it is fair and puts the choice in Ruya's hands. Giving Ruya a sound reason engages her upper brain and makes her think about what is happening. We get to talk about why mama is saying that. Without an explanation there is no reason for her to follow my advice, why should she? With an explanation she can make her own choice to act in a certain way.
Plus I need a reason as to why I should follow advice or a rule. It works for adults too.
Let the feeling happen and then label it.
Don't try to shut down the emotional experience. That big feeling is the source of decisions to come, gut instinct and the capacity to regulate. You can't regulate unless you are aware of your feelings and understand how to manage them. And that directly informs any executive function in the brain - which is what we all hope our children will develop. So feelings matter, a lot.
Feeling is the source of so much of what we aspire towards and yet we get zero education on how to work with our feelings. A child needs to learn how to feel, that feeling is okay and go through the natural release of the emotion. You would think since we all feel we should know what to do with it. But without awareness and discipline feelings end up getting shut down, shut out and over wrought.
First step is to just give it some time and let the hurricane ease on its own. When the big feelings come, let that waterfall fall. I find myself wanting to calm Ruya down quickly. But calm will come much faster if I just let her feel and learn what is happening inside of her. This is especially hard in public. Like in a grocery store at checkout, and she starts to shout loudly out of irritation. And she won't stop, everyone is looking at me with mostly judgement. I ignore them. I let her shout and get out of there fast. And I remind myself how little our world is shaped with children in mind. Adults are scared of big feelings because they have shut themselves down.
A toddlers brain is geared to learn language. Until four years of age the brain focuses on this rather than pre-frontal development, which is where the control of emotion arises. My first big breakthrough was recognizing this and not expecting Ruya to be emotionally contained at all. I had to learn to see her brain in its current development and respect right now language is more important than control in her brain.
Then I could offer her what she was geared to receive: words. Labeling a feeling is the biggest calm you can offer. I guess into what she may be feeling and offer her language. And as much as I can I talk about my feelings, the feelings we witness around us.
Jealousy has been a label that has helped immensely with Aziz. I always tell her it's normal so there is no shame. Currently Ruya talks about feelings of sadness, frustration, anger, being scared, frightened and jealous.
When battling go onto their side first.
A toddler cannot see outside of their world and emotional vortex. Especially when it is an intense emotional experience. So side with their feeling first. This is very hard for me when she wont smile and be nice to her baby brother, when she is seemingly unkind or difficult. But I know the best solution is to first get into her experience and talk about it. Then she gets more open to something outside of her. Some days are a battle, and when we fight I try to focus on making up as much as fighting. Conflict is not bad for her, it's not seeing and recognizing the resolution that makes the fight traumatic. We fight. We hug. We learn.
Do what the toddler cannot do and be calmer than them.
Watch them, love them, do not take away their experience. That is damn hard and I lose it sometimes. When that happens I know I better take some time for myself. That is even harder as I am a full time mama. The best solution for me has been to shut up when the intensity is on. That makes me sit, wait, get quiet. Ruya can't hear me anyway. Then I can stay calmer than her and can be of help.
And as much as you need to be an adult about it, be human too. Don't be a robot. Show how you feel in a facial expression and words. Talk about how you are sad or angry without blaming them. I realized I can't be some ideal, like the one in the pages of a positive discipline book. I get angry, and that's important too. Ruya needs to see me as human, otherwise I am asking her to be perfect and mirror that to me so I can feel like I am a perfect mother. I am trying to feel more around her AND show her how I calm myself, express and work with my emotion. That is more useful for her and me.
I often sing her a song I made up. It goes,'I love you when I am happy or sad, mad or glad, I love you. I love you when you are full of joy or very, very angry I love you, I love you.....' And so on.
Learning to regulate her emotions is how she will learn to be disciplined. And regulation takes a bit of calm and a lot of acceptance. For her to feel empathy she has to know her own feelings and that I feel too. And that those feelings will come and go. The tighter we both hold on to a feeling the longer it sticks around.
Relationship is the most important thing.
It all comes down to that. Success of any sort is both worthless and not easy to get without a basis of good relating. More than her ABC's I know Ruya needs to learn non verbal skills, empathy, emotional awareness and trust in her connections. That all happens in relationship. Money, achievement, fulfillment will emerge more from that foundation. So any discipline has to have this as its core. I am learning that as much as she is. Noticing when I discipline myself in a way that severs my relationships and feelings.
This core essence makes discipline safe. And no learning can take place without the brain feeling safe. If discipline creates fear, it teaches the child to shut down, it stops them from growing their mind.
In my adventure of nomadic living I am reminded of how the two year old stage is seen as difficult everywhere. And that this global belief in toddler difficulty is imagined. Discipline is all about values and ethics, about being social animals, and culture informs it all. Culture is a great shared myth. An important myth. So beneath all my learning is an unlearning too. I question the values that inform how I shape my child, and the discipline we do in the little culture of family that is us.
